Thursday, May 24, 2012

Grinding Away

I received the below email from Dr. B today after he reviewed my stats from my first 5 days back on a Dexcom. 

"Sensor tracings look GOOD! Strong work! I noticed a bit of a peak in am (likely post breakfast) so watch that area as you may need more insulin with that meal, otherwise if you keep this up your HbA1c will be much better by next check!"

Even though I've only recently gotten back on the blood sugar war path, the daily grind has been tough.  Waking up at 6:30 to make sure I get in a 4 mile run before work, eating the same breakfast each day, counting ever carb and fighting to find the right thing when eating out has been exhausting.  Last night I had a really long conversation with Katie letting her know what I'm going through.  It has been a long time since I've focused this strongly on getting my blood sugars under control so alot of the mental fatigue that goes along with that had been forgotten.

Currently we're living in a craptastic studio in Park Slope.  When I received my job offer from EDH I knew I wouldn't be able to stomach the 2+ hour commute each way from my parents to my office.  So I hopped on Craig's List to find an inexpensive stay for the month of May.  When I first went to see the apartment I think my blood sugar was slightly low because I thought the apartment was small but totally liveable.  When I returned with keys in hand, I nearly had a nervous break down as the girl I'm subletting from neglected to remove any of her stuff from the closet, didn't leave me a drawer to put anything and essentially has each and every crevice of this 10 x 10 studio packed to the gills.  To top things off we're both terrified to cook in the apartment and are forced to sleep seperately as there is only a full size lofted mattress and a futon in the apartment (two on the mattress is too close for comfort.)

So with the size of the apartment I'm unable to bring my bikes (besides Mr. Foldie) and am forced to eat out each night.  We fear Mothra will crawl out from the wall or one of the 1,000 empty shoe boxes to eat both us and our food if we attempt to cook.   Combine that with the news about my A1c and I'm living in a high stress diabetic zone.  That has led to a pretty melancholy Ed.  

Katie, as any reasonable person would think, assumed that I was either unhappy with my job, the move to NY or our relationship.  None of those could be further from the truth, I am incredibly happy to be back home, have found what I honestly think is my dream job and am thrilled to be starting a life here with her.  So for the first time she is really learning what it means to date a diabetic with all the ups and downs this disease can throw us.

What I explained to Katie last night is that the apartment has essentially taken away the tools I know how to use to manage my disease.  What has always worked best for me is cooking my meals, and riding my bike - neither of which is an option right now.  So that means each weekend we go away, or each day I'm forced to examine a new restaurant menu adds to the fear that my A1c will continue to rise.  Maybe it's an addiction, maybe it's a phobia but I'm terrified of letting this disease impact my life so each little thing that contributes to taking away my tools has really frustrated me.  

But, the daily grind is getting easier and starting next month we move to a different place where I can both cook and store my bike; then the daily grind will become routine and my #s will continue to stabilize.   For now I can just focus on turning my numbers around in a pretty difficult blood sugar management environment and know I'm doing the best I can.  And right now the best I can seems to be working.

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