Monday, October 8, 2007

Introspective

For the past 4 days I have worked on nothing but my MBA application essays. Writing about where I have come from and where I want to go caused a great deal of self reflection and soul searching. After finishing my Darden initial drafts it was amazing to me how diabetes nearly destroyed all I had worked for last year.

When I applied to grad school last year I felt my essays lacked focus, the motivated, intense individual that I have proven msyelf to be was not apparent in my writing. Its as if the physiological changes my body was going through created an individual who was filled with self doubt. When writing I felt like I had constant writter's block, the words were jumbled on the screen and the ideas that were in my head seemed trapped. This unfortunately caused me to lash out at a person who I cared tremendously about.

Over the course of the year before I was diagnosed I didn't understand why I would pass out after having a beer with a friend, feel as if I was going to throw up after a large meal or start sweating profusely during a movie. I didn't understand why it would take me weeks on end to write an essay about what I wanted out of my lfie. And I certainly didn't understand why I kept pushing the girl whom I loved out of my life.

As I wrote this weekend I realized all that, I realized the challenges I have overcome in the past year. I realized how I have grown as a human, how I have matured and how I am overcoming the biggest hurdle in my life. All those mornings that I couldn't muster the energy to get out of bed, all those shouting matches I got into with people who I loved and all the heart ache that it caused afterwards was mainly due to the monster I had become because of the changes my body was going through.

I have returned to myself. I am an athlete again, I am training again, I am able to confidently and pridefully describe my accomplishments. I am able to coach children the lessons of football and hopefully have an impact on their life. I am more than anything me again. The past 4 days made me realize what a difficult journey I have been through but I am without question a stronger person for going through it.

Diabetes had taken more than my insulin away, it was trying to take a big part of me away. While I still fight my blood sugars and figure out the right basal pattern I know that the biggest struggle is behind me. There may be days when I am high and there may be days when I am low but in the end diabetes will never again be able to take away who I am and what I believe in. For all those who I may have hurt in the year before I was diagnosed I apologize. But I promsie you and I promise msyelf that battle has been won.

4 comments:

Shannon said...

Wow. This gave great insight to what happens to someone as diabetes begins setting in.

You've had a HUMONGOUS adjustment to go through and it seems you've made it out well to the other side.

Dying Water Buffalo said...

I never really knew what you meant about the words being jumbled on the screen when you were writing your essays last year. Now it does make sense about what a hard time you were having expressing yourself in those.

Nice post, Ed

Anonymous said...

I hope there are fewer typos in your MBA essay than in your blog entry.

Amylia said...

I think it takes a brave man to admit his mistakes and his moments of weakness to the world. I applaud you for coming so far, and being open about it. I think you have come through a lot, and while you now know the cause of the feelings and bodily changes the year prior, I speak from experience when I say diabetes is an ongoing battle that we must face each day. I know you can do it, and ARE doing it well, and I wish you all the best in your life, your training (in more ways than one), with your MBA apps, with those you love and those you may have lost, and all the moments in between.